There comes a time in everyone’s life, I suppose, that we take a long look in the mirror and don’t always like the reflection. I’ve been in a reflective state of mind for the past week or so and I decided there are some things I don’t like about myself and I would like to share them with you, my friends. In the end, there will be a short test so pay attention.
Number one, I am a dreamer who tends to tilt at windmills. Having one’s head in the clouds is better than having one’s head in the sand, but if you look at the win/loss expectancy, then burying one’s head leaves less room for disappointment. To give some kind of perspective on the levels of my dreaming, and therefore optimism, I picked the lowly Sacramento Kings to win the NBA Championship. Mind you, this wasn’t done with the head but with the heart and therein lies the problem with being a dreamer.
The mirror also tells me that I am not good at following through on things. It’s kind of weird because I am always there for others to assist in helping them reach their objectives, which just happens to include follow-through. When it comes time to take care of myself, I am a no-show. What would Freud say about that and why would I listen to him since Freud was a known coke-head? With or without the drugs, I suspect it would set off alarm signals.
The recent proof of poor follow-through is in the blog and the others things I have given up when I was really into blogging. I haven’t posted much lately, partly because I have been busy and partly due to the ruse that I was going to spend my writing energy finishing a novel I began two years ago. I had 405 pages written on the novel one year ago and I have 413 pages now; some of it jumbled and some of it not too awfully bad. This is my history: I start off with great enthusiasm and then slowly it drifts away until I lose track of what I was working on. This is true with diets, work projects, and remembering to take out the trash. I know this happens to most people but I sweat it so much I wonder why I haven’t learned to beat it.
I have a strong suspicion the mirror would tell me I tend to see people’s potential rather than who they really are. I turned this naïve attribute into a nifty phrase and call it “Mike’s New Best Friend Syndrome.” I usually get burned by this and only have a few heroes left. I suspect I will have even fewer by the end of the year, but the best part about this affliction is that I will have a gaggle of new Best Friends to disappoint me by the end of the year.
The mirror wouldn’t be completely negative and, anyway, sometimes negative traits can be taken as a positive in the right context. I like to live in right contexts so I have to say the mirror would comment that I find comfort in staying in the middle, allowing the momentum of events to dictate my decisions and that I am sentimental to a flaw as I still feel the pain of moving from Michigan 35 years ago and miss too many old friends. I would be told I am a sucker for bittersweet romantic movies, I’m kind to strangers (also to a flaw), curious without remembering what it did to the cat, and have an unusual flair for expressing myself. I’m also difficult to please and find it even more difficult to please myself; I will always be searching for the greener grass when it’s pretty green right in front of me; that I have a debilitating illness for autos and I am already trying to figure out how to tell Mrs. Laz that I want to trade my car with 6,000 miles on it for a new S430 (maybe I just did if she’s reading) or, even, perhaps this $140,000 Bentley that I swear if I get one I wouldn’t want another new car for another six months.
All of this is to say that my odd personality traits are what keep me from writing on my blog and sharing my weird thoughts with you all.
I thought for a moment to write about how odd it is that Muslims are rioting and killing people and buildings over one not too classy cartoon when we’ve had thousands of political cartoons about Catholic priests and negative stories and cartoons about celebrating Christmas and Christianity in public. And one could throw in the articles that appear daily on the evils of Zionists in the Arab press. All this attack on “our” religions without a single shot fired. How quaint. I was even thinking about cowboys and wondering what I would do if my nephew told me he wanted to play cowboy with the neighbor boy. I might say, “No!!!!!!! Not you too! Not so young!!!” Instead, I decided to tell you what’s really on my mind, or was it my heart? Who can tell?
6 comments:
You are all the things you lament about in your Blog Lazlo and then some but I happen to love the things that make you tick. The fact that you see the good in everyone even sometimes when they burned you good. You do see the good in nearly every situation and every person, you do have "best buddies" often and they do disappoint and you miss Michigan with out doubt. But you are the kindest, most caring, most patient, most giving person I know and that makes me love you all the more. I think my only wish is that you would love you more, be a bit more selfish (this is not a bad thing to be) and put yourself first. Thanks for telling us what is on your mind-it is a lovely mind full of good things. Come home soon and you can enjoy the green grass of our home and your family who love you more than you will ever realize.
Lovingly,
Mrs. Laz
(and no new car sir)
It was all going so well until the no car bit. Bummer. This could turn me into a Cowboy.
Well now you are just being greedy I think, dipping into both the male and female side of things!!! rather than a new car you'd get a new horse with the cowboys-better think that one through!!!
Does this cowboy thing relate in anyway to your ongoing desire to go to a Dude Ranch with Skip and Phil?
You have shown yourself to be insightful once again. This time it is about you instead of something international or political or whatever. I cannot vouch for your accuracy but have a feeling that you may be right on with your self-assessment. As your lovin' wife pointed out, these things are what make you you.
I sense some of your disappointment but, yes, we all have those to some degree; not that should negate in anyway what you are thinking and feeling. On the contrary, perhaps you can use those feelings to make changes that are important to you (keeping in mind what Mrs. Laz said). I have been rumminating on part of what you have said here and will post about it on my blog in the next week or so.
By the way, I have a classic 1991 Volvo 240 sedan available that may be just the ticket for what ails you. And $7,500 is way less than a new S430!
I have made a posting on Goals which I feel has a connection to what you have said here...but maybe not. It is specific to me but it also has stuff I wanted to say in response to your post here at http://sladed.blogspot.com/2006/02/goals.html.
"Be yourself. Who else is better qualified? You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try." ~ Beverly Sills
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