I've Been Replaced!

Woody Allen used to tell a story about his father becoming “technologically unemployed.” The company he worked for created a machine that could do everything he could do, only better. The sad part was, his wife bought one too.

That pretty much sums up how I feel. I made the mistake of buying Mrs. Laz a little puppy named Missy as a Christmas present, and now I have been replaced. And not just replaced in the essential areas of love and affection, but the damned little four-pound home-wrecker sleeps where I used to.

I like cute puppies and cute kittens, I really do. But answer these questions: can the dog take you out for dinner, keep a job, fulfill the warmer moments of human compassion, not be afraid of vacuum cleaners, or do things that require opposable thumbs? I think not.

I am thinking larcenous thoughts about the both of them. As the Wicked Witch screeched: “The last to go will see the first three go before her. And her little dog too.”