The comedian turned actor Denis Leary used to tell a joke about busy-bodies complaining he smoked too much. They would tell him, “You’re taking 10 years off your life,” and he would respond, “Yeah, but they’re the worst 10 years.”
In a way, that’s how I feel. Mrs. Laz, with good intention, has been quietly and regularly replacing food that is bad for me with food that is good for me.
First it was the salt. She poured out all that tasty Morton Salt, good for meat curing, with sea salt or some other light salt that requires three times the amount just to get the tongue tingling. From there she purchased something called egg substitutes to replace all the cholesterol I was getting in regular eggs. Do they make chicken substitutes?
Butter was too good for me and soon it was replaced by margarine and then light margarine, which was replaced by canola margarine and then something that only shared the color yellow with the original butter. I just have my toast dry now since the supposedly good stuff doesn’t melt or spread too well.
Next she read somewhere that we need fiber in our diet. Now everything in our house has enough fiber in it to back up the average elephant for months. Wheat tortillas, wheat hot dog buns, wheat spaghetti noodles, wheat flour, 400 grain sprouted wheat bread and even extra high fiber wheat oatmeal – sugar free of course. All these foods may have a ton of fiber but they taste like cardboard which, I assume, has plenty of fiber too.
She has even tried to fool me on the sweets she hides. She's switched out the delicious milk chocolate M&Ms with less tasty, but better for me, dark chocolate M&Ms and it's gotten to the point where I don't even want to search her hiding places anymore (but the bag is on the last shelf of the nook cabinets).
I asked the obvious, “Can we eat like we used to and just take vitamins?” No, we have to eat food that is good for us and I’m afraid I will end up having to live out those last ten, crummy years after all.
UPDATE: I found the new hiding place for the crummy M&Ms. They were in the second oven that we never use; although we could have. Anyway, many are in my tummy now making a harmonious yummmmmm sound. Also, I forgot to mention cheese. Mrs. Laz buys low-fat cheese for me and that pretty much removes the reason to have cheese in the first place. Cheese is basically mucus anyway, but it shouldn't taste like that. Thought you would all like to know.
8 comments:
Hey, she hid the M&Ms even before she read this! What's going on?
What kind of wife did you marry? Is she trying to spend as much time with you as possible because she loves you? You poor thing-oh the horror of it all. Our thoughts are with you as you try to manage through this awful life with the supposed love and caring of your wife. You might want to sleep with one eye open cuz it sure seems she is after you.
You have the entirely wrong attitude about these last ten years. Think about it. Today you are responsible for your actions in social settings; for what you say, what you do, how you are dressed etc. Those last ten years you can walk around ass naked, robe open, making your grandkids pull your finger. No one can say anything because you are old. I know you well enough to know that the only thing you like more than sweet foods is embarrasing others with your minimized social schools. So think of these changes as the way to maximize the time that you get total free reign. I already have your grandkids therapists picked out. Don't disappoint them.
To hell with the fiber...you can avoid all of that high fiber food by doing what I did: just have your colon removed.
...And I'll be you lost weight doing that too. Good, healthy suggestion.
Laz, alas I too feel your pain!! but MY wife hasn't gone quite as far as YOURS ( YET )...
Oh the pain of whining husbands. Here we try to take care of them so they will be healthy and happy and all we get is complaining. why do we bother. In the big picture of things with all of the traveling you do you can eat anything you want even chocolate cake. So when you get home to the healthy items just suck it up and don't complain.
Evil woman!
Post a Comment