Airing Grievances

Demands were made by some kid (Agent 69) to write a Christmas post. I suppose I haven’t felt as much in the Christmas spirit as years past, so I have put it off until the actual day is almost upon us. But with our Christmas lights and ornaments in a box somewhere, I still haven’t been able to muster up enough holiday cheer – despite a gallon of eggnog – to write a post worthy of the day.

Part of my grumpiness has come from a number of irritating events that has turned me more Grinch than giving. Then it occurred to me there is another holiday that is practiced on December 23 where we get to air our grievances. What a better way to spend the holidays then to air grievances?

According to Wikipedia (which is almost always accurate unless it’s about me), the holiday of Festivus is a real holiday created by a Reader’s Digest editor who happened to have a son who became a writer for the Seinfeld Show. Hence the holiday wormed into our popular culture thanks to Frank Costanza. As invented, there really is a Festivus Pole, an “Airing of Grievances” and, following a Festivus dinner, a “Feats of Strength” involving a wrestling match between the head of the household (me, I guess) with other revelers. The last part should be fun.

But I want to focus, for the sake of the holiday, on the Airing of Grievances. Let’s begin in the bathroom. You folks with your Bluetooth headsets have got to stop your conversations upon entering the men’s room. Not only do I not want to hear you carrying on about nothing important while on the throne, I don’t want the person you’re talking to listening in on one of my private moments. In fact, I doubt they want to hear my private moments, along with the private moments of several others who went into the bathroom for its highest and best use.

Keeping in the bathroom, can we do something about the water-saving, low-flush toilets? I have a real problem with tossing a Kleenex into one and needing a plunger to get it down the drain. It’s designed to save precious water, but it ordinarily takes three flushes to complete the job. How does that save water?

In the shower the do-gooders from environmental central want you to save water with a shower nozzle that drips on you rather than cascades. It’s a real problem for me to take the nozzle off the shower head just to drill out a larger hole so I can get that luxurious shower I deserve in the morning. Sure the hot water runs out faster, but I can still get in a good 35-minute shower every morning.

Here’s another grievance: smart people who make stupid predictions, mainly those in the news media’s polling division. First we were told we wouldn’t spend as much this holiday season based on minimum-wage employees calling a few hundred people out of 300 million. This tidbit, sold as fact, made every headline in the country. The other 299 million defied the polls and went out and bought up the GI Joe and Barbie Doll as usual. Polls as news must always be correct so it was explained that while we purchased as many items, we didn’t spend as much since the prices were lower because everything is made out of lead in China. Please infer from their reporting that our economy teeters on the brink of a depression.

I heard a pundit today explain that Big Saturday (today) needed to be a big bang so the retailers wouldn’t all go out of business. However, another smart guy opined that we buyers wouldn’t purchase today because the retailers were only desperate and we’d wait until Sunday when they were panicked and then wait again on Monday until they were suicidal enough to give away a TV set with every purchase of a pack of chewing gum.

Pollsters and those who confuse the art of polling for news, is also worth complaining about on this great night of Festivus. It used to be that reporters covered elections by actually focusing on positions taken by candidates and what was good and bad in speeches they made. It’s true! I’ve read about it in books.

Today, reporters only write about which candidate is ahead in the daily polls – polls that appear to change based on a story about the polls. But polling has seemingly become too complicated for most political observers, so now they write about which candidate has the most money. As I understand it, having squeezed the most money out of special interest groups now best prepares a candidate to become president. And to think some are still stuck on the quaint notion that a president should have a certain set of what we call “positions,” “values,” and “experience.” Oh, and they must not have the last name of Clinton too, although that’s a grievance for another post.

My final grievance is referring to the season and the “holidays.” We can’t say Merry Christmas anymore for fear of offending someone who happens to celebrate something other than Christmas, such as Festivus. I tell friends to have a “happy birthday” even though most people who can hear me make this pronouncement are not having a birthday. I don’t get complaints about that unless it’s at one of those restaurants that makes the person having the birthday wear a big hat. I also have been known to say “Happy Thanksgiving” and “have a happy Independence Day” when I know full well that foreigners could be within ear shot. I don’t think this makes me insensitive to others, does it?

So, for the kid who asked for this post, I have the following politically correct plea: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.

To my friends and relatives: Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!