On the Subject of Fishwrapping

Watch any television show and count the seconds between each different camera shot. If you’re counting right, it should be about seven seconds. This isn’t happenstance, it’s science. Studies have been conducted to determine the attention span of the average television viewer and seven seconds seems to be the limit.

No study has ever been done, that I know of, on the average attention span of the way Americans view their news. The way news is sold to the average right/left/undecided/other, the seven-second test would seem to hold.

How else can we explain the way the media treats us as viewers and readers? They give us the surface of bits and pieces, little seven-second snapshots of passing news that, for reasons only they can tell us, doesn’t merit more reporting. For example, are you aware of the slaughter of innocents in southern Sudan? Some are, I know. Who among us knows the reason, or the story behind it? Too much depth required for the average news reporter to believe we’re worthy of that information, apparently.

How about Zimbabwe? Zimbabwe was once a thriving island surrounded by countries governed by the rule of mistake. For decades it was a net exporter of food and fed much of southern Africa. Then a reverse-apartheid happened and ownership of all the farms – 90-percent owned by whites – was taken from them. The white farmers left, the land turned to rot and now the country is starving. Just to add confusion to a necessary and more informative story – but far from a full one – Zimbabwe’s brand of dictatorship led by crazy narcissist Robert Mugabe has resorted to bulldozing what he calls the slums. But people have lived in these homes and huts for a generation and now they are forced to live in temporary shelters 100 miles deeper into the bush where they struggle to find food. The reasons behind this must be too much for CNN or Reuters to discover or you think they’d tell us, right?

We hear a lot about the struggles in Iraq to draft a constitution and how it reflects on the success or failure of U.S. foreign policy, never mind what it means to the Iraqi people who only seem to matter to the media when strapped to a bomb. There is a deeper untold truth to reasons a constitution is unneeded and unworkable: Iraq is too fractured along sectarian lines, too socially ruined by 30 years of totalitarianism, too new to the habits of democracy to be able to record in stone the kind of great cosmic compromises that are the essence of constitutions. That story seems to escape the punditry. Even America, which had a century of self-government before independence, needed 13 years before it could draft a workable and durable constitution. And even that one ultimately floundered (albeit, threescore and 11 years later) over the then-insoluble problem of slavery. Yes, I know Bush said this at a press conference, but he had to simply because the media should have, but didn't.

What you may not have heard or read, perhaps because reporters don’t know, is that among several successful Western countries without a constitution is Britain. Not so overly-reported was the failure for 25 countries in the European Union to ratify their multi-nation constitution which had been given five years of negotiation before being put to the voters, who ultimately rejected it. So why is all the ink going to the process in Iraq instead of Europe? Sure, the U.S. and Bush foreign policy have made the constitution a key issue to measure success in Iraq, but a little perspective from the press would be more helpful to those who care enough to pay attention.

Just the opposite is true when the media gets a hold of a story they can milk. Who heard enough of the Scott Peterson\and Michael Jackson trials? And so much on the missing teen in Aruba who, in not exactly a news flash, is not the only missing teen in the world. Then there is Cindy Sheehan and the media onslaught to cover her mid-life meltdown. Thank God a hurricane hit and all the reporters had to put on the hip boots to cover the real-life drama and tragedy of a Level 5 hurricane hitting the coast. Does anyone know that nearly 500 people have died in monsoon flooding in India? Does any news reporter or talking head know the policy specifics of the Government of India that caused such a disaster? Come to mind, perhaps reporters are best off in hip boots. It’s their best hope to step out of the mess they leave for the rest of us.

The main problem facing the press, as I see it, is that they usually only study Journalism in college. Sure, they take the odd history and humanities classes along with the required journalism coursework of Pagination and First Amendment law and how to misunderstand its meaning so you end up doing some white collar time in New York. If a reporter is going to cover a story on a hurricane, is it too much to ask that they know a little about meteorology before telling us it’s windy?

Too often reporters come to the job with the notion of “making a difference” rather than reporting what happens around them. Later, they just become lazy. During both coup attempts in Russia during the Nineties, most reporters sat in the bar at the Odessa Hotel and counted on daily news from the Ministry of Information on what to report back to us. Heaven help us if a story happened outside of Moscow. Then we watchers of news had to rely on press releases filtered by the local cleansers and then washed again by the same Ministry of Information just so we got the news they wanted us to have.

During this past year’s great Orange Revolution in Ukraine, the Western media never once interviewed Victor Yanukovich, the man who had the election stolen from him by populous whim. The story was set and the sheer beauty of a Sixties-style protest was too much for the gray-haired members of the Fourth Estate to keep them from finding out the truth. The press, which loves to equate Bush and Cheney as an evil cabal set on world domination, missed their chance to catch them in the act in Ukraine. They also missed it in the Republic of Georgia, Serbia, Belarus, Kyrgyzstan, and Uzbekistan. Imagine if the Russians were helping elect a government they could dominate in Canada and Mexico. I suspect, but can’t be sure, this would be a lead story on Nightline, which not coincidentally, was created for the sole purpose of over-covering the Iranian hostage story.

My apologies to all that this story took longer than seven seconds to read; I did my best to cut it down to size.

Report From The Eye of the Storm

From an every-growing staff of reporters around the world, I have a first-hand report of facing down Katrina.

Frequent poster, Alice (aka Mayor) lives in Jackson, MS and was fortunate enough to be just slightly to the west of the Katrina's eye wall and did not get hit with the more dangerous east side wall. Just the same, she was pelted with rain and harassed by 90-mph wind, bending old pine trees to the ground. She was fairly lucky, just a small leak down the wall of her newly-remodled office. Other than that, just lots of debris and wind damage.

She has friends on the Mississippi coast who did not fare as well. From what she understands, nothing is left of Biloxi, a city of 200,000. Bridges have been destroyed, an oil rig broke loose and crashed through a highway and the River Boat casinos have been blown on to dry land requiring either new zoning laws or a tug back out to sea.

She said there had been plenty of tornados around her but none too close. Apparently the real danger for tornados and dangerous thunder storms is follwing the hurricane when the weather heats up to 97 degrees and mixes with colder air from the north.

She's been without electricity for much of the day and is concerned about keeping cool if it takes a while to repair.

As a sidenote, my brother-in-law is an insurance adjuster and has headed down there to help the people who have seen the most damage. It's too early to tell what he will see or what the people of Biloxi et al will see when the sun comes up. Just praying the loss of life will be minimal.

Dateline Cairo: The City of Big Rocks

Any good Blog has a host of reporters around the world. And we're not just any good Blog! I have a field report from Cairo by well-known investigatory journalist Nicholas Whitaker who will be a regular contributor assuming I never ask him for permission. Nicholas is studying a broad there and I think her name is Mary. Forgive any poor grammar since, being a good editor, I have decided not to edit anything. Just raw reporting. Anyway, he's a college student so what can you expect? Following is his first-hand account of an American in Paris... only he's a Persian in Cairo and he has two hands:

By Nicholas James Whitaker (Pictured at right -- the blue shirt, not the big rock structure.)

First off allow me to begin this E-mail with what has become the standard greeting for anyone Whitaker. I must apologize profusely for the time that has elapsed since my last E-mail. In the mean time my travel companion Mary and I have been able to procure an apartment, mobile phones, and enough stares to make even a leper jealous. (The point of that joke was that a leper’s parts would be falling off and that would cause the people to stare!! Get it?? California Love to all the lepers out there….no hard feelings???).

I will leave that part until later but the gist of my apology comes from the fact that we have moved away from the vicinity of our beloved Internet Café and at this point will not be able to gain an Internet connection in our apartment until next week at the earliest.The best thing so far this week has been finding a dream of an apartment. If you are my beloved mother please skip this next part. Although we are most likely paying more than most students here, we realize it and did I mention we have a view of the Nile from every room in the apartment. The place is furnished and adorned with items that make it feel cozy and much like what a summer cottage in some really hot country would feel like if I knew what that felt like. We have 2 bedrooms on opposite sides of the apartment and air conditioning units in each room. The kitchen is small but the last time I checked, eating out requires little to no cooking. The bathroom is the second smallest room in the house and although we face the risk of constant flooding from the shower, it is a nice refuge for me from the daily grind of Ulcerative Colitis hell. My bedroom consists of two single beds, a desk, and something the French call an armoire. Due to the tall genes in my family, my legs stick out the bottom and I can only imagine what it would be like if I were actually tall.

I still have not adapted to either the time difference nor my own insomnia so sleeping accommodations are currently of little importance. Although we are encouraged to subject ourselves to as much cultural immersion as humanly possible, Mary and I have applied for what people over here are calling, Satellite television. It is very cheap and will hopefully provide us with a little refuge from the vastness of Cairo with a few horrible American movies and if we are lucky some good old fashioned Arabic Music television.

School will begin on the 5th of September and if classes are anything like the orientations we have been attending, we are all in for the longest and most redundant semester in school history. We have already attended three orientations and still have another four left. The only good news about them is that the last one will be hosted at some Red Sea resort whose name I could butcher but I would rather just retrieve it from my memory by remembering that it sounded like Gonorrhea. (No offense Andrew!!)

So far we have met many students from throughout both the U.S. and Europe. We are meeting up with representatives from Virginia, Massachusetts, D.C., Colorado, and our beloved California later tonight for what will hopefully be some kind of culturally sensitive bonding experience. The other students that we have met seem to be very good students but I have assured them not to be intimidated by my blank, empty stares and reassured them that I always bring down the class curve. I think that makes them feel better and I know this because they stop talking to me.

As I mentioned in my previous E-mails, getting around Cairo in a taxi is quite an amazing if not pants soiling experience. Although some roads are marked with lanes, nobody pays any attention to them and turnabouts are just about the most nerve-racking thing since that forest burning scene from Bambi. At the beginning of this last week Mary and I took a taxi to the airport to pick up the third and final member of our UC Davis posse. I think I had my eyes shut the whole time but I do remember at one point turning and telling Mary that I had some good news and bad news. The good news was that we were making great time and would be at the airport much faster than expected. The bad news was that the cab was beginning to smell like gasoline. Mary used her experience in dealing with crappy cars and assured me by telling me to stick my head out of the window which did absolutely nothing. Speaking of gasoline, an interesting factoid that we have picked up is that a gallon of gasoline here costs about one dollar. I thought that I would throw that in there since most people reading this E-mail reside in a state where they would likely trade their children in for a gallon or two of fuel (Kylie be quiet and just get in the car).

Anyway, the other exciting thing we did yesterday was to visit the Pyramids!! There is too much to describe but my first impression of them was their immense size. My whole life has been consumed by my quest to discover whether size truly does matter. I have been obsessed with this journey but no matter what Lavender might say, it does!! The pyramids are enormous, and not in like a “that is an enormous scoop of ice cream” enormous, I mean cones that are comprised of 2.5 million stones each weighing around 2 tons enormous. I am going to try to send some pictures along with this E-mail but in case you don’t get them please just believe me when I tell you this and stop thinking about what I am doing to one of the rocks in the picture. We could not go inside the pyramids, which was kind of disappointing, but I have been told that they consist of an infinite amount of tunnels and small rooms. I think that they only allow the first 150 people in per day but that could have been just what they tell Americans!! We also saw the Sphinx and it is truly a testament to what I could do with the proper resources and only a million or two slaves!!

Lunch that day consisted of a typical Egyptian meal, full of falafel, goat cheese, vegetables, eggplant, and my new favorite word, Baba Ganoosh!! Go ahead….SAY IT AGAIN!!! The lunch was wonderful but I was reminded how much I love the way animals taste when they are cooked (sorry Rovee).

This city is truly amazing. What it lacks in good smells it more than makes up for in the number of people and pollution. One of our new Egyptian friends has told us that during the day the city of Cairo consists of around 20 million people and is only reduced to around 17 million when the others return to their homes only a few miles outside the city. Your imagination of how huge this must be cannot be overstated and I assure you that I too have no idea as to how anything can move. Even with all of this hustle and bustle, our EAP advisor has told us that most Egyptians have still not returned from vacation and that it will most certainly get twice as bad.

I feel that I have not done this most welcoming city many favors in my ranting and raving. The people here are incredibly friendly and once they realize that we are as lost as we look they are more than happy to help. Overcoming the language barrier is the most difficult task we face on a day to day basis but I promise that once our classes start I will know more than hello, welcome, please, thank you, and help!! Perhaps the most daunting cultural challenge that I have faced thus far is the inability to truly be able to trust people. This is not to say that the Egyptians cannot be trusted but rather that it is always difficult to get to know people enough to really trust them and that moving to a place where you know few if no people at all, is something that can never be overrated. Staying at hotels gives you a chance to come to the realization that people are nice to you primarily because they would like your money. Again this is not to say that Egyptians are any different than most people. What is difficult for them is that they see Americans come in to their country and most of them have money. A typical Egyptian makes between 25-50 Egyptian pounds a day. This translates into anywhere between 5 and 10 US dollars. From what they see on the American shows broadcasted on television and the people that enjoy the fruits of their labors, how could they not believe that we grow money out of our ears? They all want a piece of it and it would take an idiot to think that any human being would not treat us in such a manner. I am saying this not to chastise either Americans or Egyptians but rather to illustrate the importance of being aware of our surroundings. I am by no means a spokesperson for the cause of anyone not born with a silver spoon in their mouth but the journey thus far has given me new perspective on what poor people really live like. I think the two most popular jobs here in Cairo are washing cars and selling packs of tissue on the street. The children who sell them have mastered the art of salesmanship as their persistence is incredible but I suppose desperation can be a great incentive. The whole point of this paragraph was to state, in no such simple words, the importance of having the great friends that I have, and how lost I would be without them.

The people here are also very aware of the political climate and what is at stake in the upcoming election. As I am sure many of you have heard, this year will mark the first “democratic” elections in Egypt practically since Ramses (HAHA!!). As usual in the Middle East democracy is in quotes because although it is a good step, most people understand why the current leader, Hosni Mubarak, has opened up the elections to what has now become 9 other candidates. There is really no doubt as to who will win and that is not the interesting part. What is fascinating is talking to the people here regarding their reasons for voting for Mubarak. While most people say they will vote for him because he is the only one they feel they can truly trust, others have a different reason. Several people have told me that Egyptians are, shall we say, emotional voters. They say that many will vote for Mubarak because they would feel sorry for someone who has led for over 20 years and would worry what he would do if he lost. If he lost he would have to go home and basically not be president and that alone is enough to convince them to vote for him.
It is a fascinating dimension to these people that is often lost in all of the bad media and portrayals they receive in movies and T.V. shows.

One of the questions that I have been asked by many Egyptians here in the streets of Cairo is in regards to Americans and their religion. What is just as interesting as seeing their reactions to my analysis of the United States is their explanation of the role of Islam in the Muslim world and more specifically Egypt. Although many of you know that I have chosen not to embrace any sort of religion in my life, I have a tremendous amount of respect for those who do. Our most trusted friend here in Cairo thus far has been an Egyptian by the name of Zaki who was born here but is a Catholic. We have had many discussions with him regarding the role of both Christianity and Islam. One cannot help but be in awe of how devout so many Muslims seem to be towards their beloved religion. Many Westerners, including myself, are very critical of Islam and especially the debilitating effect it has had on Western/Middle Eastern relations. What is not noticed and what cannot be noticed by those not living here are the positive effects. For example, the amazingly low levels of crime, drunk driving, and material excess that plague many U.S. cities are practically non-existent here. This is in large part to the dedication of Muslims to their Koran and their faith. It is impossible to dismiss the way Islam has been used to direct the masses to enrich the few but the aforementioned issues are some of what makes Cairo so amazing. Just one quick example, last night we were able to walk the streets of Cairo until 2:00 in the morning and not once did we ever feel uncomfortable or unsafe. We took plenty of the dark alleys we were told not to throughout the night and especially to get home more quickly but up to this point we have felt totally safe. I don’t know how many of you have reached this part of the E-mail but for those of you who have, I consider you real troopers.

There is so much to write but I feel as if I have already said too much. I hope that all of you are doing well and enjoying the Sacramento summer. I have read that the weather is cooler there and I am looking forward to returning in the winter to temperatures unthinkable here in Cairo. I love you all and cannot possibly overstate how important you all are to me. Thank you for being you.

Much Love, Nicholas

More Top Fives

Despite all outward appearances -- such as no comments posted -- my Top 5 list prompted some discussion. At least it did south of the Equator.

It was pointed out that a few categories were left off and my taste in movies, musical performers, and albums was lacking in important ways. Can't do much about the taste -- I admit it, I like Mary Poppins -- but I can keep the Top 5 hysteria moving among one or two people. To continue:

Top 5 Dance Songs:
Shout!
Saturday Night Fever
YMCA
Lady Oh! (with Gail and/or Diane)
Tennessee Waltz (for Hank and Jayne

Top 5 Modern Actors:
Jack
Tom Hanks
Robert De Nero
Al Pacino
Sean Connery/John Cusack (tie)
(Special recognition for Jon Gries for his
moving portrayals of Lazlo Hollyfeld and Uncle Rico)

Top 5 Modern Actresses:
Dame Judi Dench
Diane Keaton
Sissy Spacek
Salma Hayek
Meryl Streep

Top 5 Dead Actors:
Cary Grant
Jimmy Stewart
Gary Cooper
Humphrey Bogart
Laurence Olivier

Top 5 Dead Actresses:
Katherine Hepburn
Ingrid Bergman
Bette Davis
Judy Garland
Marilynn Monroe

Top 5 Male Athletes:
Michael Jordan
Pele
Wayne Gretzky
Lance Armstrong
Mohammed Ali

Top 5 Female Athletes:
Babe Didrickson
Martina Navratilova
Annika Sorenstam
Janet Evans
Mia Hamm

Top 5 Whack-Jobs:
Michael Jackson
Mike Tyson
Courtney Love
Tom Cruise
Any other Jackson

Top 5 Greatest Movie Performances (Men):
Al Pacino, Godfather 1, Godfather 2
Marlin Brando, On The Waterfront
Gregory Peck, To Kill a Mockingbird
Jack Nicholson, One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest
Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump

Top 5 Greatest Movie Performances (Woman):
Katherine Hepburn, The Philadelphia Story
Ingrid Bergman, Notorious
Salma Hayek, Frida
Sissy Spacek, Coal Miner’s Daughter
Keisha Castle-Hughes, Whale Rider

Top 5 Greatest Cameos in Movies:
NPH, Harold & Kumar go to White Castle
Will Farrell, Wedding Crashers
Bob Saget, Half Baked
Bob Barker, Happy Gilmore
Alice Cooper, Wayne's World

My Top Five

Because I haven’t had that many comments (is nobody reading this, or is it for my own amusement), I thought I would create some debate. So I’m going to make MY best-of list. Please feel free to make your own.

Movies
Top 5 Movies (Drama)
Annie Hall
Manhattan
The Big Chill
The Graduate
To Kill a Mockingbird

Top 5 Movies (Comedy)
Night at the Opera
Stripes
Dumb and Dumber
Sleeper
Tommy Boy

Top 5 Movies (Suspense)
North by Northwest
Usual Suspects
Pulp Fiction
Rear Window
Body Heat

Top 5 Movies (under-rated)
Garden State
Mary Poppins
O Brother Where Art Thou?
Local Hero
Big Fish/Gross Pointe Blank (tie)

Top 5 Movies (about sports)*
The Natural
Rocky 1
Pride of the Yankees
Major League
Hoosiers
*(Kellen says Jerry McGuire is a chick flick not a sports movie)

Top 5 Movies (chick flicks)
Sleepless in Seattle
When Harry Met Sally
Shakespeare in Love
Jerry McGuire (apparently not a sports movie)
Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Top 5 Movies (foreign language)
Kagemusha
Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain
Cidade de Deus
La Vita è bella
La Grande Illusion

Music:

Top 5 Albums (not CDs)
Sgt. Peppers Lonely Heart’s Club Band
Bridge Over Troubled Waters
Pet Sounds
Joshua Tree
Songs in the Key of Life

Top 5 Songs (This is difficult)
Hey Jude
Sounds of Silence
Layla
Over the Rainbow
Miracles

Top 5 Groups
Beatles
Beach Boys
Eagles
Crosby Stills Nash & Young
Rolling Stones/Bee Gees (tie)

Top 5 Male Performers
Bob Dylan
Elton John
Jackson Browne
Bob Marley
Bruce Springsteen

Top 5 Female Performers
Carole King
Eva Cassidy
Annie Lennox
Natalie Merchant
Norah Jones (sorry, no Joni)

TV
Top 5 TV Shows (Drama)
ER
Mash
St. Elsewhere
Hill Street Blues
Dallas

Top 5 TV Shows (Comedy)
Saturday Night Live
Seinfeld
The Simpson’s
Mary Tyler Moore Show
Bob Newhart Show

Pets
Top 5 Dogs of All Time
Mutley
Molly
Daisy
Frieda
Flash

Top 5 Cats of All Time
Diamond
Ummmm…. I don’t like cats

This is getting ridiculous. We need more categories like best airports or beaches and need your input on my lists. Skip, I skipped Aqualung. Phil, no Chicago. Alice, no country music. Elizabeth, I snuck in the Bee Gees but it was a tight one. Em, I put Flash pretty far down, and what about other chick flicks? Gail, I know there was no Joni but I put Jackson pretty high (also missed out on Lady Oh! But it’s more sentimental than a good song).

Lists please!

More Lady Di -- for Me

I just wanted another picture of Diane Lane in my Blog. That's all.

Nothing else really to say. Just goes to show how much I miss Gail, doesn't it?

Living Your Life in the Movies

There are two books that are important in American literature, each with the same theme. One is called Everything I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten and on the other end of the spectrum, “All I Really Need to Know I Learned from Watching Star Trek.”

I’d like to add my idea for a new book to begin where these pioneers and geniuses (geni?) have left off. To wit: how about All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned From Watching Movies?

But first a vital fact. The author of the Star Trek book is a guy named Dave Marinaccio who once shared an office with me while we were both enslaved at Bozell Advertising. He was supposed to be writing ad copy for the “Got Milk” commercials instead of working on his book, and I was supposed to be accomplishing some bit of public relations trickery to make Bill Gates seem like one of us, but decided instead to contemplate my navel.

Back to writing, editing and spelling good. My thought is that many memorable lines that are part of our mainstream conversation originated from movies (or television – how can we forget where “sorry about that” came from?). It’s an art form or, take this quote from 1983’s The Big Chill to better explain: “Sometimes you have to let art... flow... over you.”

There are many current movies offering wisdom for every day trials and tribulations. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy described love better than any Browning poem by comparing it to the song Afternoon Delight by the near-mystical Starland Vocal Band. Burgundy would fight you if you didn't agree, too. And how about love as said best in Old School; “Love, it’s a mother-fucker, eh?”

As for life in general, it’s always useful to turn to Woody Allen and get his mench-like wisdom, all from Love and Death. There’s good judgment, “And so I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. Actually, make that ‘I run through the valley of the shadow of death’ - in order to get OUT of the valley of the shadow of death more quickly.” And philosophy, something you may have heard me say many times, “Judgment of any system, or a priori relationship or phenomenon exists in an irrational, or metaphysical, or at least epistemological contradiction to an abstract empirical concept such as being, or to be, or to occur in the thing itself, or of the thing itself.” How best to face the inevitable fear of dying, DEATH: “You're an interesting young man. We'll meet again.” BORIS: “Don’t bother.” DEATH: “It’s no bother.” He also nails it on sex, SONJA: “Oh don't, Boris, please. Sex without love is an empty experience.” BORIS: “Yes, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.” Advice on marriage, “I don’t want to marry; I only want to get divorced.” And, finally, religion, “If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.”

Learning anything yet?

There are some very memorable moments in good movies too, like Atticus Finch speaking on the duty of the court system in To Kill a Mockingbird. The OJ jury should have heard this: “Now gentlemen, in this country our courts are the great levelers, and in our courts all men are created equal. I'm no idealist to believe firmly in the integrity of our courts and of our jury system. That's no ideal to me. That is a living, working reality. Now I am confident that you gentlemen will review without passion the evidence that you have heard, come to a decision, and restore this man to his family. In the name of God, do your duty. In the name of God, believe Tom Robinson.” Of course this one is better if you’re actually watching the movie.

There are great, short lines that say it all, such as “I am not an actor, I’m a movie star!” from My Favorite Year, “Plastics” from The Graduate, “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse” from the Godfather, “We’ll always have Paris” from Casablanca, "A movie! That's your problem! You don't want to be in love. You want to be in love in a movie," from Emily's favorite Sleepless is Seattle. “You make me wanna be a better man,” from As Good as it Gets, “That’s what I love about these high school girls, I keep getting’ older and they stay the same age,” from Dazed and Confused, Lazlo Hollyfeld’s immortal words from Real Genius, “Did you want to wear my pajamas?” How about this from Arthur, "There are two books ....two ..... books ... take ..them ..back ..to ..the.. library...." From Flesh Gordon, *sniffs* “Good, there’s Oxygen on this planet.” “Yes, but they were all bad,” from True Lies. Lastly, from Napoleon Dynamite, these little gems (how can you choose just one?) – “You know, there's like a butt-load of gangs at this school. This one gang kept wanting me to join because I'm pretty good with a bo staff,” “A liger … It's pretty much my favorite animal. It's like a lion and a tiger mixed... bred for its skills in magic,” “The worst day of my life, what do you think?” and, finally, “Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.”

What would a life lesson be without the following movie quote from Ghost Busters? – “Gozer the Traveler. He will come in one of the pre-chosen forms. During the rectification of the Vuldrini, the traveler came as a large and moving Torg! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the McKetrick supplicants, they chose a new form for him: that of a giant Slor! Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you!”

I’ll leave you with two thoughts, one from the Usual Suspects – “The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.” The other is from Pulp Fiction that was to the point – “There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.”

There must be hundreds more and perhaps I will get a few more posts. Let me know what I forgot.

Critical Update For Those In San Diego

This just in, there are now two Slades driving automobiles around the greater San Diego area who are dangerous: Hank and Corey.

They're on opposite ends of the spectrum; Corey just got his license and doesn't know where he's going and Hank has had his license for 100 years and, well, he doesn't know where he's going either.

Please drive with caution and keep a look out for an early model Volvo Tank and any car with USC license plate rims.

This tip came from a concerned driver and parent who now has something else to worry about.

I Can Get Political Too

My friend Elizabeth sent me an e-mail petition a few days ago to sign and show my support for Cindy Sheehan, the bereaved mother of a son killed in Iraq. I’m sorry, Elizabeth, but I won’t be signing it or sending it on. It’s not that I don’t believe in bereaving mothers, it’s that this bereaving mother doesn’t know what she believes in.

Cases in point: What is she asking for? Answer, a meeting with the president. She already got that one along with the families of 272 other servicemen and women who died in Iraq. I guess one meeting wasn’t good enough for her because this time she wants to tell him what she really thinks, which is diametrically different from what she did say to the Vacaville newspaper after her first meeting. Now she has added a new twist. Not only does she want to give the president a few nooggies, she also wants him to force the Israelis to get out of all Palestinian lands as defined by…..what? Who the hell knows where Palestine is anymore? Certainly not Ms. Sheehan, who seems to have stumbled into the foreign relations racket a bit late in life. I doubt Bush knows either. In fact, I thought Palestinian lands were in Lebanon – that is until the Syrians didn’t want to listen to their complaining while they were busy changing a reasonably corrupt Christian democracy into an Islamist theocracy.

But the MEDIA is there now and so that makes all the difference. Now her stand (or is it a sit?) buys her 15 minutes of fame on all the networks and gets her a meeting with Steven Hadley and deputy White House chief of staff Joe Hagin. She talked to them for 45 minutes. Hadley is the National Security Advisor and rarely talks to anyone without security clearance. Lobbyists earn top dollars to arrange meetings with Hadley and Hagin, and she gets 45 minutes to vent. But it’s not good enough, and neither she nor her public relations team will leave until they meet the one man the left claims is nothing more than a hand puppet of Cheney and Rummy and doesn’t know anything anyway. Maybe she just wants a closer look at the strings.

Personally, I wouldn’t have sent the two out to meet her, but it’s one of those events that happen to political leaders who have someone in the bunker yelling, “We gotta give her something!” They should have known that giving her Hadley and Hagin was only going to lead to her asking for more. Personally I would have pulled a Mr. Burns and unleashed the hounds on her.

The fact that we are even discussing this, or the media has set up “Cindy Watch 2005” demonstrates how slow August is for the chattering class and how boring Crawford can be in the middle of summer.

There is something more to this story than a woman changing her mind and then losing it, though. There is an underlying view that the war in Iraq is something that people can watch as if they were spectators, handicapping and rating the successes and failures from some imagined position of neutrality. Do they suppose that a defeat in Iraq would be a defeat only for the Bush administration? The United States is awash in human rights groups, feminist organizations, ecological foundations, and committees for the rights of minorities. How come there is not a huge voluntary effort to help and to publicize the efforts to find the hundreds of thousands of "missing" Iraqis, to support Iraqi women's battle against fundamentalists, to assist in the recuperation of the marsh Arab wetlands, and to underwrite the struggle of the Kurds, the largest stateless people in the Middle East? Is Abu Ghraib really the only subject that interests our humanitarians?

These are noble reasons for caring people to get heat stroke in Texas. Live 8 drew nearly as much media attention to the lack of Western support (money) for Africa. Why not a concert for those in need in Baghdad? They have spent a generation under a brutal regime that sacked away billions while many lived in fear. Sounds a lot like Africa to me. There has to be someone out there who can carry a tune who wants to draw attention to a people in need.

Unless someone gives me a persuasive reason to think otherwise, my provisional conclusion is that the human rights and charitable "communities" have taken a pass on Iraq for political reasons that are not very creditable. And so we watch with detached curiosity, from dry land, to see whether the Iraqis will sink or swim.

Can Someone Please Post a Comment?

What is it with you people? Can't you figure out how to post a comment? I did just to see if it can be done and if I can do it, anyone can. I have sent this URL to about three people and, nothing. Well, maybe only two. But, just the same, I'm looking for a little support here.

Of course if you'd rather just send money instead of a comment that is fine with me. Please send cash as there are some "issues" with my bank account. Appreciate it.

About My Best Friends & Life Getting In the Way

TODAY Skip sent me this picture of the two of us giving Phil a little lovin’ on his 21st birthday back in 1977. No, we’re not gay, just 21-year-old boys expressing affection by “pretending” to be gay (note: Skip and I are only 20, still months away from tasting our first beer). But the truth is, in a guy-way, we loved each other back then and, the good part is, we still do. I’ve known them both for 35 years and they’re the kind of friends where we can always pick up where we last left off.

We’ve also been there for each other for every important event that has happened in our lives; from graduations, to marriages, to Bar Mitzvahs, to hospital stays, to child birth. We’ve also been there far too often for the death of people close to us. When Bill died they were both by my side, just as they were when my parents passed away 10 years before. Your hand shakes a little more when you’re saying the long good bye, but the two of them always reached out and kept me steady.

Now Skip’s father is struggling from myriad of maladies that have somehow made him seem more, well, normal. Is that possible? Of course we remember the Hanker as the life of the party who, through no fault of my own, always dragged me into his mischief. I don’t know who embarrassed Skip more, his dad, or me. Whether he had a cigarette or a toothpick in his mouth, I will always remember him for his kindness to Skip’s friends. Yes, that’s right Hank, your kindness, not the thumb-grabbing. Because when you get right down to it, there are few men more caring, more sharing, and, well, basically more of a friend than Hank. The jokes and gas have always just been a bonus.

Now he and the lovely Jayne are getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary which has much to do with love, but I suspect has more to do about patience. And damn it all to hell, I won’t be able to be there for them. But if I was, I would lift a glass of champagne and….well….I would do what Hank would do, I’d drink it down and then grab a little frosting off the cake and pretend nothing happened out of the ordinary. Who's going to notice a little frosting around the lips at a time like this?

My love and admiration go out to Hank and Jayne on such a momentous occasion. Wish I could be there for you.

Just to show the three of us are joined in some weird cosmic way, I also got a voice message from Phil today. It said that his father, Gus, began his day a few days ago with a bloody nose and ended it with cardiac arrest. Now Gus is over 80 but you’d never know it from looking at him. He looks younger than I do. He swims every day and if one can find an ounce of fat on him, I’d be surprised. Phil says he’s OK and I hope he’s right. We can always use someone who can play Girl From Ipanema on the piano until two in the morning.

I guess getting older means these sorts of things will happen. I wish like hell we could just skip this step in life’s lousy lessons.

And don't forget to visit Skip's ummm, unusual website: http://pulltabchain.freewebpage.org. The mug shots look real, Skip (who is actually from Cincinnati. True story).

Chick Flicks and Yeats

OK, there's probably only three people I know who will get this; Gail, Emily and Ber. It comes from a chick flick and I'm one of the few men who openly like chick flicks. Give me Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally any day over War of the Worlds or Independence Day (aren't they the same movie?)

So when Must Love Dogs came out, I didn't have to be dragged to see it. Emily and Gail already had and gave two thumbs up. It's about trying to find the perfect match via computer dating. But the highlight of the film is when Christopher Plummer recites a poem by Yeats. The measured beauty and profundity of the verse makes all the frantic scurrying and deceit of the dating services seem like so much wasted energy. So here it is for all you closet romantics who think love has passed you by:

BROWN PENNY
I whispered, 'I am too young,'
And then, 'I am old enough';
Wherefore I threw a penny
To find out if I might love.
'Go and love, go and love, young man,
If the lady be young and fair.'
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
I am looped in the loops of her hair.
O love is the crooked thing,
There is nobody wise enough
To find out all that is in it,
For he would be thinking of love
Till the stars had run away
And the shadows eaten the moon.
Ah, penny, brown penny, brown penny,
One cannot begin it too soon.

Now wipe the tears.

It's Not the Same Without the Two of You

Today is a Sunday (in New Zealand, anyway). Sundays are slow moving as not much is open and I'm tired from the week of getting up on California time and working on New Zealand time. When it's quiet and slow like this, I think of the things I miss. As usual, I miss Gail tonight. As Champ would say, "We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without ya. I miss you so damn much. I miss being with you. I miss being near you! I miss your laugh! I miss - I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together." Wait, we do have a place together, two in fact. Two mortgages, how dumb is that?

I also miss my Emy-Doodles. Especially since she's had a rough go after losing her uncle and breaking up with Shawn within a few days. She's my little sweetheart and I hate to see her so sad. But, she also has a strong streak in her and I know she'll be fine in the end. And she knows it too. As Brick would say, "I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally retarded."

Sundays are slow, but they used to mean more, remember?

A Good Bye to Brother B

We couldn't get too far into this without an opportunity to offer a moment of reverence to my recently departed brother. Bill left us at the age of 47 on June 13, 2005. He died of an aneurysm while traveling in Japan, a place he had come to love and find peace. So, I suppose, it should be no surprise that he found his lasting peace while there.

We were brothers first, but he was also my business partner and best friend. I lost all three at once and I'm still struggling with the lessons we're all supposed to learn from this. Perhaps the point is we're just meant to learn from the life he led; how he savored it and how he so loved his family.

When someone leaves us suddenly, as Bill did, it's quite easy to find things we wish we could have told him, or to have been able to hug him just one more time. I missed his call just before his airplane took off and his last words to me were nothing more than a recorded message saying he had to turn off his phone. I could have taken his call, as I saw it pop up on the Caller ID, but I chose to continue to talk to my drunk Irish partner, thinking I would have time to call him back. Mind you, this is no revelation, but isn't that the point? That we always believe we have more time. That we don't think we're getting the last call from someone.? But for the hubris of situational immortality, I would have had a final chat and, who knows, perhaps we could have said something important. Or I could have just left it at, "have a great trip."

The other regret is that I never got around to making him a tribute for our many years of working together. Those of you who know us are aware that Bill and I were each finding new interests -- he with Tozai and me with Capitol Links. It seems he went west and I went east. With the change, I wanted to make up something to commemorate our working relationship other than the always fun transfer of funds. One of the things you had to know about Bill was his confounding desire to tell the truth. When dealing with our clients -- political clients at that -- honesty isn't always necessary. But it was to Bill and that's what made him special in a lousy business. My planned tribute to Bill was to borrow the words of Paul Simon when he wrote about his partner, Art Garfunkel, deciding to find other joys in life when he penned "The Only Living Boy in New York." A part of it went like so:

Let your honesty

shine, shine, shine, shine

like it shined on me...

The important thing is that I didn't need to say this to him; he knew that's how I felt. So perhaps, I shouldn't carry any regrets on that front.

Now the family is just down to Peter and me. We'll carry the load for Sue, Cass and Janee and the others who departed all too soon in keeping the family name in good standing. Or at least not let it slip any further.

It's been two months, Bill, and I miss and love you more than you can imagine.

The Beginning

I was talking to a friend the other day and he said there should be a place to go to vent, rant, debate, talk, and drink beer. Sort of the Ol' Tavern from the Pre-Revolutionary days. Well, can't do much about the beer -- unless they've invented virtual beer; a bit of trickery I'll have to try -- but we can dedicate this space to sharing our thoughts and even mindless wanderings of friends and foes alike. And, if I get any friends interested in viewing this page, I can also include a "what I'm up to" section so they can live vicariously through me; or have the good sense not to follow.

Why Lazlo Hollyfeld, I hear you ask your computer? Well, some people choose weighty thinkers such as Sartre, Plato Kierkegaard, or Ron Burgundy as their philosopher king. Not me. I tend to live my life as though I'm living in the movies, so I have naturally chosen a film character to inspire my genius. And, of course, there's the hint. In the movie "Real Genius," Lazlo Hollyfeld was the guy living in the closet in his pajamas. Rumored to be the smartest guy in the world, Lazlo gets the nod. Sure he's a fictional character, but the other guys are all dead (exept Ron Burgundy, who will always live in our hearts).

Have fun reading and I encourage all to post their thoughts as it may up the IQ of this Blog.

--Laz