“I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand, walking through Soho in the rain” – Warren Zevon.
Kellen and Sladed have been adding quotes representing the deep thoughts of others to their blogs so I will join in and add a good quote before each post. Mine could be more obscure, I must warn.
I quite nearly put another Zevon quote to this post that may have added more to the theme but it could be construed as a bit negative, although it would not have been intended that way. It goes “she’s hanging on to half a heart, but she can’t have the restless part. So she tells him to hasten down the wind.”
The “she” in that case would have implied the misses and I don’t want her to hasten my way down the wind. But the thought does go to the larger question: why do I appear to have this restless heart?
As long as I can remember – and there are those who believe I can’t remember things from five minutes ago so that may not be that long ago – I have lived my life with a rampant restlessness. The weird part is, I really haven’t been that fond of being restless. I’d like to be settled, even if it meant settling for less than the elaborate and warped life plan I have dished up for myself.
Despite all the time I spend mapping out my goals and expectations, I never seem to get where I want to go. Too often I fall far short, make a u-turn, try something new and the new thing ultimately falls short as well. These string of mini-failures (at worse) or tough breaks (in the middle) or minor successes (a good spin) add up and make me wonder what the hell I am up to; what’s my life plan anyway?
The bigger fear I have had lately is that my disease is a bit contagious. I see glimpses of the early stages of torment in the Boy and Girl. While both seem to be far more focused on who they are and what pleases them, I worry that life will continue to fall short of their expectations. Mind you, having lofty goals is what everyone should have, but I suspect there should also be a defense mechanism implanted that allows us all to fall down and skin our knees without having it become such a rough landing.
I may be wrong and the kids have developed better coping skills than I have managed. I just wouldn’t wish my case of anxiety on others; especially those I care most about.
The good ending to the story is that I am on to a new twist in my life and feeling that freedom that only comes from wrapping up one chapter to open a new one. So I am once again excited about the future and the promises it always makes to me. This time, however, I hope to plan better and to stop relying on my seat-of-the-pants method of trying to make things happen in a good way. I will also seek the advice and counsel of others who I have grown to trust (The Boy, The Girl, Mrs. Laz, Sladed and LP).
I was talking to Italiphil today and we both arrived at the fact that we are in the last quarter of our working life and still trying to find our way. We made something of a blood oath to make the next 25 years be our best and reach our goals. Hope it happens because, after all, it is the final stage of our working years. For my offspring and younger readers, may you be sailing by no later than the end of the first quarter of your working life. That would make us all happy.
4 comments:
It is never too late to make a good showing in your efforts, take some sort of control and navigate to the true outcome you want with out the fear that seemingly is what directs our failures or lack of success. You are at a stage where you should take control and your example should be observed by your offspring-but remember too that we only birth them, we can't "have"them forever, they are responsible and in control of their lives-we had them on loan and they are adults and will make their own mistakes and their own good choices. Worry less about others and more about what you want and how you want your life to be. Demand as much from others as you do from yourself. Settle for nothing less than what you want.
Remember you are loved...
Bravo to the first comment. Well Said, Just follow your heart. Your children will be fine.
You are loved by many
The above commenter (the wife) thinks I don't have a restless heart but have a restless soul. That sounds better to the both of us and I think is more accurate. Wanted to get that correction made.
Let's just say it now: we ALL fall short of our goals at some point. It seems to be a part of the human condition, especially if we're a dreamer, a thinker, a doer, and/or someone who imagines the possible. I don't think there's any way around that if we are at all self-critical. This can happen because, even when we are successful, we can see how we could have done better or achieved more or done it a better way or or or.
From the segments of your life that I have been a part of, I know you as an idea person; a person who imagines the possible. These are gifts you possess. But they also contribute to your restlessness. I imagine trying to find a balance between these things is always going to be a bit of a struggle.
As for your kids, you and Mrs Laz have prepared them well. Don't project too much of what's going on with you on them. They are different and are also products of the current culture. Don't focus too much on what you think are weaknesses that you may have passed on. They have MANY strengths thanks to you two!
One final thought on what occurred to me while reading your post. It probably wasn't a goal when you started out but really I bet it was: to have a long, successful marriage. Despite shortcomings and misteps, don't you think you and Mrs Laz can call your marriage a success?!
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